I hear this life is overrated...

i've been neglecting this journal....but now i'll be using this a lot more because my family has been getting into my notebook-journal.  Hopefully my ramblings are safe here!

I've actually been doing okayish eating-wise untl...a few days ago. BINGE FEST 06!!! >_<  I make me sick
Depression is a bitch
I'm too tired and unmotivated to do ANYTHING, except for to eat and EAT and EAT AND EAT...and get HUUUGE.
i'm so disgusting
i hate me

my "friends" are overbearing and over-protective. is it really necessary to tell my guidance counselor/teachers EVERYTHING that comes out of my mouth? daaaamn them all. i know it's because i care...but seriously, the fuckin school can't do ANYTHING. except tell my parents, who get pissed off at me. yeeeah, it's exTREMEly helpful :-/

i might be going IP again.  i dunno what to make of it. yay i get to run away from all my problems again and be safe....but i know i can't keep doing this for the rest of my life. and what about my puppy? and school? and clubs? and synchro?

asfjklasjfkjasdfkasldflaskdjfklasdjfaskdfjaklsdf

fuuuuuuck it alllllllllllll.

i am feeling so fuckin hopeless right now.
i want to go back to the hospital, where it was so safe.

Bleeeeh. I am absolutely DISGUSTING.
why the hell do i keep GAINING weight??!  the sad part is....i actually THOUGHT i lost a few. i was happy for NOTHING
107
>_<
that's fucking GROSS.
shoot me now

i need to whip myself into shape. REALLY badly. 


!@#$%$^(%#$%*@(#%*(!)#$!)$#$(%*)#$%)!#$(!#$

wow. i absolutely SUCK at updating.
eh. things haven't been so hott for me lately. i'm officially HUUUUUUUUGE. i lost a few lbs when i was in the hosp, but gained it alllllll back + more. >_< daaaaaaaaaamnit. i NEED to stop b/p-ing.
junior. year. is. a. bitch. i feel like suh a slacker. i dropped physics because everything went wayyyyyy over my head. so no science for me this year. YAY, but there goes my Future.
practice tonight! ahhh. i'm such a lazy ass. i don't wanna go into the cccccold water today. :::whine whine whine:::

I haven't been here in such a loooong time.
a lot has happened since the last time I've updated:

+I got a puppy!!! he's the CUTEST thing everrrr
-I was THIS close to going to resi
-Instead I got a "mental health eval" at Ellis hospital, and downplayed everything so they let me go home
-more and more people are noticing my scars >_<
+Grey's Anatomy started!!! wo0t!
+I fasted for the first time in my entire life! (2 days!)

AAAAAND!!! +++++I lost 1/2 lb. AHAHA. I'm so pathetic, but it's SUCH a huuuuuge deal for me

Okay. I am ready to start a new chapter of my life. I am no longer someone little's sister. I am ME. I will no longer be in the shadows of my sister. I will make my own decisions and live my own life.

Despite being brainwashed that skinniness does not equate happiness, I honestly believe that I will be a lot more comfortable with myself if I lost some weight. Sure, it'll be fantastic if I have enough willpower to become emaciated again. but at this point, a healthy thin will suffice.

School starts this coming wed. hopefully being busy+structure=no bingeing/more restricting. Junior year is gonna be a killer...but once I get home (from vacation) I'm going to clean out all our cupboards and our frig and get rid of all our binge food. [I'll tell my parents that they expired]. Tuesday after work (8am-2pm) I'm going to pick up some school supplies, and then walk over to hannaford and buy the following:

--light bread
--veggie "turkey" slices
--FF cheese
--"I can't believe it's not butter" spray
--carrots
--celery
--peppers
--light dressing
--diet pepsi
--tea
--splenda

any other suggestions?

well. so much for fasting. b/p fest is more like it >_<
I am feeling really hopeless.  I don't think I can ever be happy with myself.
losing weight seems impossible. BEYOND impossible.

DAAAAAAAAMNIT.

I am
DISGUSTINGGGGG

Breakfast:
green tea diet pill/medsssss
toast with FF cheese (70+30=100)
dannon light 'n fit smoothie (80)
peach (40)
-------------------------------------------------
                                  220 cals

so far so good.
well, not really--but this is good for ME.

I'm actually at school right now (gonna make-up english final...but I can't find my guidance counselor daaamnit).
I brought a sandwich (2 slices bread+ff cheese) and a peach for lunch. I'm planning on tossing the sandwich and maybe eating the peach...

I CAN DO THIS.
I CAN DO THIS.
I CAN DO THIS.
I AM STRONG.
I AM STRONG.
I AM STRONG.
I AM STRONG.
I AM STRONG.

shopping is so fuckin depressing.

Today sucked.
Binged my brains out, and was planning on purging but then my parents decided NOT to go out, so I couldn't. daaaaaaaaamnit.

well, i bought some goodies that may help me...i'll start taking them tomorrow. we'll see how it goes.

I NEED A SCALE. one that actually works, preferably.

So much for following rules >_<
I am so gross.
THE END.

but anywayyyy, at the doctors office, i ran into yet another IP buddy. haha, it's seriously the best place to run into friends you haven't seen in a while.
i was THIS close to refusing to get on the scale. it's so frickin embarassing for me. who knows what the hell the doctor was thinking when she saw my #s?
She brought up inpatient again though. it pretty much came out of nowhere. extremely mixed feelings.

This is getting ridiculous.
i need to STOP EATING.
DAAAAMNIT.

I'm hoping that this will be a fresh start for me.
Things will be different this time.
I've gotten so huge the past few months, it's embarassing to go out. It's shameful and disgusting to look at myself in the mirror.
WHERE THE HELL DID MY SELF-CONTROL GOOOO?!

mia is such a bitch. i can't even be thin.


i'll settle for under 100. that's all i'm asking for....(though lower would certainly be nice...)

new rule: no eating after 7 pm